Thursday, February 24, 2011

Heavy Heart

My dearest Kimi baby,

It's been months since I last wrote you a letter on this blog. Shame on me for real but life just isn't the same since you turned 6 months old. I did write you a letter on your baby book last month when you spent the night with your Tita Mandie & Tito Andre because I missed you terribly and didn't know what to do with myself that night.

I just had to write you a letter this evening because I read a sad sad story about a mommy and daddy who lost their 4 month old baby girl recently. My heart goes out to them and words cannot express the sadness I am feeling at this moment. I don't think any parent deserves to lose a child. No one should ever have to experience the pain of having to say goodbye to their baby. I would love to ask God why these things happen...but I know there must be a reason....a good reason. We may not understand it now, but maybe someday. I pray for this special couple tonight whom I don't even know, that their hearts be healed one day of this loss.

Kimi, I want to tell you that your Papa and I love you sooo sooo much. You are almost 17 months (6 days shy of being 17 months old today) old. When I put you to bed at night, I always have to make the sign of the cross on your forehead, pray the "Now I lay you down to sleep" prayer, and the "Guardian Angel" prayer and thank God for giving me such a beautiful gift and another wonderful day with you. Like I told my friend earlier, being a mother is such a privilege given to me by God. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it...but I am thankful that I was entrusted to do it.

Since the day you were born, you have been such a source of joy to our lives. It may not be easy all the time because raising a child has it's challenges...but we are thankful everyday that we have you.

Now that you are almost 17 months, you run all over the place, say so many words and talk like crazy, copy almost everything I do, follow me like a shadow, eat almost anything, and give the best hugs and kisses. Everyday spent with you is like being on a rainbow.

As I type this letter, I am watching you on the video monitor on the nightstand next to our bed and see you sleeping peacefully like an angel. You are truly an angel given to us by God.

Your Papa and I look forward to the coming months and years with you.

We love you so very very much my baby.

Yours always,
Mama

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Quite the Social Butterfly

My dearest sweetheart Kimi,

As you can tell from the time this letter is written, this is long overdue. You are now 6 months and 1 week old and I'm two months behind with my letters to you.

The past two months have gone by so quickly before my eyes that I just never got the chance to sit down to write you a letter.

I seriously cannot believe that you are half a year old already. Where did all that time go? Where is the little peanut that fit in the crook of my arm a few months ago? To me, you are like the little worm in the cocoon that has now turned into a butterfly over night. You are now more beautiful than ever and we enjoy every waking moment with you.

In the past 2 months, you have learned not only to sit up, but you can do it mostly without any assistance. You are quite the miss independent girl because you love doing things on your own and don't like me doing it for you. When you play with your toys like the little piano Daddy gave you, you hate it when I hold your hands to play. You like exploring it for yourself. When I feed you, you want to hold the spoon yourself. I give you your own spoon so that you can try to feed yourself but you get mad when you find out there is no food in your spoon. You are too smart to fool these days. Somehow, you hate diaper changes now no matter what time of day it is. I guess you hate lying down unless you are napping or going to sleep. I do it as quickly as possible and sit you up. You love to sit up and knock down all the little bottles and things on your changing table.

You are also one curious little girl. Your Uncle Andre calls you miss "nosy" because everything around you interests you. You get so distracted so easily these days. Before, no one could distract you when you were drinking milk. Now, it takes you a long time to finish a bottle or even breastfeed unless we are lying down in bed together. Every sound or thing that passes by is of interest to you. I guess you are learning so much about your surroundings and I thank God that you have eyes that can see and ears that can hear. It's a gift that I don't want to take for granted. Some people do not have the luxury to see anything around them nor hear anything at all. You love it when people talk to you, acknowledge you, and pay you attention. You are definitely the social butterfly right now. You get mad when anyone walks away after paying you mind.

You love to coo and baby talk especially when no one is paying you any attention. It is probably your way of calling out to us to mind you. I am trying to teach you sign language so that both of us will be able to communicate earlier. So far, I've tried the milk, food, and more sign. You have not signed back to me yet but sometimes I feel that you are trying to imitate the milk sign whenever I do it and when you see your "milky." I cannot wait for the day when you actually sign back to me :)

I've started to feed you solids since you were about 5 months and a half. I started you on rice cereal since I figured you are asian and will probably tolerate it the most. You did really well since day 1 and love it with milk. By now, you have tried sweet potatoes, apples, butternut squash. You loved the sweet potatoes from day 1 but you definitely hated the butternut squash and bananas. You gagged and spit it out. I guess I will try those another day. As for the apples, yesterday was the first time you tried it. You did not like it at first so I mixed it with milk and brown rice cereal. You loved it and ate a huge heaping of it. You ate it again today and I'm so proud of you.

You have been rolling over from your belly to your back since last month. Daddy and I saw you together when you did it for the first time. We were sooo happy and proud of you. You love turning towards your right side and never do it on your left. Just a few days ago, you did turn from your left side. You seem to favor your left hand for many things though. You hold your spoon with that hand and tend to grab things with your left. You also love sucking the middle and ring finger on your left hand. Daddy and I don't mind if you are a leftie. Although we are both right handed, it wouldn't matter to us if you liked your left. Maybe you will be more artistic and a tad bit smarter. Who really knows??! I think it's too early to tell anyway.

Uncle Tophe came to visit during his spring break. You love him so much and laugh the loudest when he is around. You seem to like boys because they are able to make you smile easily. I'm sure it's because you are with your Daddy all the time and are used to having a man around. It makes me so happy to know that you are so close with your daddy. You are totally a daddy's girl!

We just spent Easter this past Sunday. You did so well during the long 2 hours 1/2 Easter Vigirl Saturday night. We had to go to the long mass because your Auntie Amy got baptized into the Catholic Church. We are soo proud of her. On Easter Sunday, we had brunch at Old Ebbitt's Grill in DC and you got to meet your first furry bunny mascot. You were not afraid at all and touched him yourself. What a cutie you are! We walked around the Tidal Basin and took pictures with the beautiful cherry blossom trees. I cannot wait for you to see the pictures one day. You were so beautiful! Someone passing by even said that you looked like you were freshly picked from the cherry blossom tree :)

I guess I need to stop writing now. I think you may be awake from your nap already. Usually, you just lay in bed smiling, cooing, and playing with your feet until I come get you.

I will really try my best to write you another letter soon.

Your Uncle Soy Sauce and Uncle Pinky are coming to visit this weekend. It will be their first time to meet you since you were born. They are sooo excited. I promise to take lots of pictures.

Till next month my social butterfly.

I love you,

Mommy

Sunday, January 17, 2010

My little Angel

Dearest Kiyomi,

It's 10 am on a Sunday morning as I write to you this letter. I was scheduled to go to work but was put on call because they do not need me at work at the moment. I fed you about an hour ago and put you down for your morning nap not too long ago and you are fast asleep like a little angel. I was laying in bed trying to nap but couldn't so I decided to use this little free time to write you a letter.

You are 15 weeks and 6 days today. I seriously cannot believe how fast time has come and gone. You are almost 4 months old. Sometimes I wish I could stop time because I'm afraid you are growing up too quickly. I was talking to your Papi the other day and told him that maybe we should have another baby because I miss the times when you were just newly born. Of course I'm just being silly because I know one baby right now is more than we can handle. I want to enjoy every moment with you and cherish the time we have together. Many people have given me parenting advice but the best one so far is when they tell me to cherish the time with you because you will grow up quickly before my eyes. I take pictures of you constantly because I want to capture every moment. It's almost an addiction. I know you will enjoy looking at them one day.

In that past months, you have changed so much. You used to stare off at the ceiling or lights all the time and would never focus on our faces. Now, not only do you look at us constantly, you smile and coo whenever you see us. One of my favorite things to see is when you hear your Papi's voice, you will look up from whatever you are doing, even nursing, and look at him. You follow his voice constantly. It's sooo cute. You are really the apple of your Daddy's eye.

Right before I was to return to work which was about 3 weeks ago, you were a different baby. You refused to sleep in your bassinet and had to be nursed to go to sleep. Now, you are such an angel and behaved baby. I think you finally found your routine and we know how your clock ticks. You sleep about 10 hours at night and have learned how to soothe yourself to sleep. I would nurse you in bed and put you down in your bassinet after you have eaten. You would look around quietly and play with your fingers...before we know it, you would be fast asleep and will not wake up until 8 or 9 in the morning when your stomach is empty and needs to be fed. You wake up smiling but would start crying if no one comes to get you and feed you. The morning is one of my favorite times of the day because we are so close. I love the stillness of the morning. I feed you in bed and we both just bond together. Then I would change your diaper and we would hang out (read a book, do belly time, or just sit down in the rocker together) for a while until you start yawning and I put you down for your morning nap. The rest of your day follows this way. You eat, have an hour or two of wake time and interact with your Papi and I, then take naps. You like napping in your swing in the afternoons though or in your carseat if we are out and about.

Since I have gone back to work, your Papi has been the one taking good care of you. It was so hard for me initially when I knew I had to go back to work and leave you at home. A week or so before I returned to work, I would just hug you and cry thinking that I had to leave you. I would tell you constantly that you had to be a good girl for your daddy. You may wonder why I have to work while your Papi stays home to take care of you. Our situation is kind of interesting right now. Your Papi does not have legal paper work to work right now and is doing his MBA instead to stay in the US legally. Once I become a US citizen, I can claim him and he can go back to work. I am thankful just to have him by our side regardless of the situation. I actually thank God daily for giving us this great opportunity so that one of us can be home with you while you are so little. My heart would break if I had to leave you in day care or if you had to be watched by a complete stranger. In fact, I believe that having your father take care of you while I work is such a gift. He gets to spend so much time with you and has the opportunity to bond with you like other fathers miss out on. You both have a great bond that hopefully no one can break.

You smile so much, are able to hold up your head on your own, and can sit up like a big girl on your bumbo chair. You are able to hold your little toys (ring of keys, rattle, etc) and throw them around. It is so much fun watching you do this on a daily basis. The funniest thing you do is when you sit on your bumbo chair, you tend to poop. You are such a smart girl. Maybe you think it's your little toilet or something. I'm hoping that this means you will potty train easily. Another thing you love to do now is suck on your fingers. It changes on a weekly basis though. You used to like sucking your left fist. Then you would do your index finger only. Now, you like the middle and ring fingers on your left hand. You do this to soothe yourself. You do suck on the pacifier when we give it to you, but if it falls, you go for your fingers. I guess because your fingers are easily accessible. We are hoping this habit doesn't last though and that you will learn to love your pacifier. People may think we are crazy but it's easier to get rid of a pacifier than your fingers.

I want to tell you how much your Papi and I love you. You are such a gift to us and we thank God every moment for giving us such a beautiful angel. You are the best gift he has given us in 2009. Even though you were not planned and were a surprise, we love you sooo much and are grateful for you.

I must end this letter now...till the next one.

I love you so much baby,

Mommy

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Almost 3 Months Old

My dearest baby Kimi,

As I watch your sweet angelic face sleeping peacefully in the bassinet beside my bed, I am compelled to write you this long overdue letter. My brain tells me that I better sleep while you are sleeping because you will probably be awake in a few hours wanting to drink milk, but my heart tells me that I should write to you since I may not get another chance like this again.

I've wanted to write to you since the day you were born, but my life has been consumed with caring for you constantly that I never got the chance to do so.

I promise I will write you a letter telling you all about your birth and the best thing that has happened to me this year.

You are 11 weeks and 1 day old today. I cannot believe that 3 months have almost come and gone so quickly. It feels like it was just yesterday when I found out I was expecting you...now I have a sweetheart who is almost 3 months old. Sometimes, I still cannot believe I really have a baby, a daughter who has my own flesh and blood, and will forever be a part of me. It is such an amazing feeling, one that cannot be explained; only experienced.

This past 11 weeks of my life has been so bittersweet. When I first took you home from the hospital, I thought caring for you would be a piece of cake since I am a NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) nurse. I was wrong of course. I had to learn like any new mom about how to care for a newborn baby. It was not easy. The first night you were home, you cried a lot and refused to be put down. You wanted to be nestled in my arms constantly. I remember crying that night because I was so tired and frustrated. Your Papsi and wonderful father took you from my arms and rocked you to sleep in the rocker while I got some sleep. When I think back to that time, I cannot help but smile because I realize how much you have changed and grown in such a small amount of time. Now that you are almost 3 months old, you constantly smile, coo, and interact with all of us. You are 14 lbs heavy and 24 inches long. I love waking up to you in the morning because you are all bright eyes and bushy tailed and smile as soon as you see me. You are like a breath of fresh air to me when I wake up in the morning. It makes all the difficult times bearable and easily forgotten.

In the past few weeks, you have been holding your head up straight and bobble a little only. You are soo strong and very advanced for your age. Everyone who meets you says that they cannot believe how alert and interact you are. You smile when people come up to talk to you or give you a smile. Lately, your hands have been your obssession. I'm not sure when it started, but I found you sucking your fingers one day. Since then, you have acquired that habbit and suck on your fingers with a gusto when I am not around to stop you. I find it so funny when I find you sucking on your left hand and have your right hand in a fist all raised up like you are ready to ask a teacher a question. You do great with belly time as long as you are full and well fed. You keep youself entertained by cooing and exploring your surroundings. The funniest thing that happens to you though is when you coo so much and get so excited that you end up getting the hiccups. I feel so bad when you have them because you look so uncomfortable. You get them almost on a daily basis because you get so excited and almost talk by making all these interesting sounds.

One thing that you love is being held constantly and talked to. What baby doesn't like that you would probably ask me. If you are in someone's arms, you are all smiles and carefree. It is so hard to put you down but we have to because we need to get things done and also train you not to be too spoiled. Trust me, putting you down and letting you cry is one of the hardest and painful things to do. I hate hearing you cry and see tears rolling down your red rimed eyes. Most of the time, someone succumbs to your cries and picks you up. Because of that, you are kind of spoiled and got nicknamed "Brattynella" by your grammy. Your Papsi and I are now trying to train you and have to let you cry.

I would love to write so much about all your developments in the past few weeks but I must end this letter now as the time is getting late.

I promise to write again soon if time permits and I will post up pictures of your birth and the past 2 months.

Know that I always love you and am so happy that I finally have a daughter of my own.

Yours always,
Mama

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Ready or Not, You've Got to Come....

My Dearest Kimi,

As of today, September 26, 2009, Saturday, you have been in my belly for 40 weeks and 4 days. Actually, it really is 38 weeks and 4 days because technically you were not conceived until week 2. I will explain to you one day how all this womanly cycle thing works so you will understand.

In our human world, your due date is when you reach 40 weeks. By this time, it means that you are fully mature and ready to come out. They say plus or minus 2 weeks though since most people do not know what date their baby was actually conceived. I myself do not know what day you were actually conceived because I do not know when my ovary was exactly fertilized : )

I know you probably love being in my belly because it is such a cozy and warm environment. You are fed around the clock whenever I eat with no effort at all, your body temperature is constant and warm due to homeostasis, you can move, sleep, and wake up whenever you want without anyone dictating the right time. Even I would love to stay in that kind of environment. Unfortunately, you cannot stay in there forever because I am only human and have limitations. My placenta which has been keeping you nourished with food and oxygen will not be able to function too well after 42 weeks of doing it's job. It will start to deteriorate and will not be able to do it's job like it used to. Because of that reason, you will have to come out and continue to be nourished by me and your daddy.

You will soon learn that in our world, there are limitations to everything. In an ideal world, maybe you could stay in my belly forever...but then again, you would never be able to get to know me, your daddy, or your family. There is a good reason why you need to come out. God made us humans this way. We can interact with you, care for you, and most especially, love you. Your are the fruit of our Love (Your daddy and I). Love has to continue to grow and cannot just be stagnant. Your daddy and I love each other, and with that love, you were made and are the fruit of our love together. It's really a beautiful thing once you understand it. We cannot wait to hold you in our arms, care for you, and love you. Hopefully in return, you will learn how to love and pass on that love to others around you.

The doctors who have been caring for me during my whole pregnancy have given me a date for when I will have to be induced. It basically means that if you do not come out on your own naturally, they will give me medicine to allow my uterus to contract and go into labor so that you will be forced to come out. The big day is scheduled to start tomorrow, September 27, 2009, Sunday at 8:30 in the evening. We have been waiting for this big day to arrive. If you choose to come out on your own, you will have to do it before tomorrow evening. One way or another, hopefully, you will be in our arms by Monday. It is also a special day on Monday because it is the feast day of the one and only Filipino Saint, Lawrence Ruiz.

This will most likely be my last letter to you before you come out. The next time I write, it will be all about your birth and my delivery experience. I cannot wait to go through this special moment with you, even though I have to admit I am afraid of the pain and anything that could possibly go wrong.

Everyone has been praying for you and me all over the world, from the Philippines, Taiwan, Nicaragua and all over the US. We are truly blessed to be loved by so many. Everyone is waiting for your arrival and to see pictures of you.

We love you dearly and cannot wait to spend the next years of our life with you.

Yours always,
Mama

Kimi's Corner All Ready for Her

Thursday, September 24, 2009